I didn’t know where she ended and I began.

In the early hours of the morning, my father and I drove into the driveway of our family home, in my mother’s car. We had just collected her things from the palliative care unit and signed all the required paperwork following her death.

Clear as day and I don’t have a good memory, I can remember walking through the front door, hanging her handbag up and going to put her toiletries bag away. The realisation, really hitting me in that moment, that she was no longer here. What was I supposed to do with all of her things? What were they without her? What did this huge and unexpected change mean for me?

We had spent the ten weeks since her diagnosis keeping her spirits high and as comfortable as we could. I hadn’t spent a second thinking about what would happen on the other side of her death or what that would mean for me, our home and my life?

I didn’t know where she ended and I began. She was my greatest cheerleader, my safe space and my regulated nervous system. We were so close. I relied on her for far more than I realised. I remember saying to someone at the time ‘If she dies, I won’t survive this. I don’t know how to live without her.’ I didn’t…

And so, began one of the most daunting journeys of my life. Learning to live without her. Putting one foot in front of the other, taking everything hour by hour, day by day, week by week whilst riding the waves of grief.

One of the best pieces of advice that I received, from one of my mother’s friends, was ‘Do it your way! Forget everything you think you know. Work out what works before for you. Foster and honour that!’

This is the path that I have been walking for close to two decades. A path home to myself. Home to a much deeper understanding of who I am, the identification and the honouring of my needs, the reclamation of my health and the fostering of an environment around me that has helped me shift from just surviving to beginning to thrive.

Staying curious and asking great questions (the absolute key!!!) with each and every step.

I don’t have all the answers. My life is so far from perfect. There is no silver bullet, no magic pill, no one way fits all. But this journey has shown me that when you reconnect with yourself, when you honour and care for your most basic needs, when you more deeply understand where you have come from and why you do what you do (with that comes so much self-compassion, self-forgiveness and healing) and you use that information to foster an environment around you that is tailored specifically to you and your requirements, life feels so much better (more easeful and in flow). You begin to work with, rather than fight against yourself. The sun does come out again. The joy does begin to return.

This is why I do the work that I do. To help bring the sunshine, joy and belief back into the homes and lives of women and families who have experienced much darkness.